So, back about 8 months ago, I published a blog post entitled "A Ceasefire - A Step Toward Stopping the Mommy Wars." It was very well-receieved and was my most shared and viewed post ever. Yay! I'm so glad to know that the issues God lays on my heart resonate with you as well. At the end of that post, I promised a sequel was coming. Well, I'm making good on my promise…just 8 short months later. (Yes, I'm averaging 1 post every 8 months…such is life as a stay at home mom with 3 kids ages 4 & under! What DO I do all day?!?) Anyway, back to the issue…an issue that has been heavy on my heart since I became a mom a little over 4 years ago - Mommy Wars.
(This is a picture of 2 of my sweet mommy friends and me on a "couples getaway" weekend a few months ago. I had THE BEST time, not just because I was having a fun weekend away with my hubby and a few friends but because these two moms were such a blessing and encouragement to me.)
Here's the deal, Moms. Raising children in today's world is a war in and of itself. We are fighting against so many outside forces that battle for our children's hearts and minds. We CAN. NOT. AFFORD to fight against each other or against ourselves. If we want to win the battle for our children, we have got to band together. We need each other! We cannot afford to ostracize ourselves or others for the sake of boosting our ego, making our opinions known or nursing our wounded pride. We've got to humble ourselves, close our mouths, muzzle that criticizing voice in our heads, and join together for the sake of each other and our families. If we want to be the best moms we can be for our families, we are going to need the friendship, encouragement and support of other moms. Sound like a dream? It's not. It is possible, but it is up to you and me. We've got to commit to take the necessary steps to end these wars once and for all.
First, the ceasefire. A ceasefire is a temporary stoppage of war in which waring parties agree to suspend aggressive actions. I truly believe that the main reason the Mommy Wars are so prevalent today is because of social media. "Back in the day," women didn't have such easily-accesed public forums in which to openly compare themselves to others via pictures, tweets and status updates. I think that the first step we can take to ending the Mommy Wars is to be more careful about what we post on social media as well as how we think about what we see on social media. I wrote more about this in my ceasefire post here.
While that is a great first step, if we are serious about ending these wars and banding together in the fight for our children, we must take further action. It is going to require a great deal of humility. C.S. Lewis said, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less." That's what we are going to have to do. In an act completely contrary to everything our society and culture teaches us, we are going to have to think of ourselves less and think of others more. Here are a few guidelines I'm trying to remember with my fellow moms:
- Remember that people who aren't asking for advice rarely want it. There is no shortage of advice for moms out there. Books, blogs, Facebook, doctors, parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, total strangers in the grocery store - they all have advice for moms. In my own experience, I've found that what we moms need more than advice is encouragement that we have what it takes to make the decisions that are best for our babies and our families. Let's refrain from giving advice unless it is specifically asked of us.
- Remember when giving solicited advice (as in, someone actually asked for it) that the mom you are speaking to is the resident expert on her child and her family. No matter how long you've been a mom, you do not know that child or their particular family dynamics the way that mom does. Take that into consideration. I try to be very careful when offering advice to say, "This is what worked for our family. Feel free to take this advice, adapt it or ignore it! You know better than I do what will work for your family."
- Remember that a pat on the back is always welcome. Being a mom is H-A-R-D! (I know, newsflash, huh?) Seriously, though. It's tough, and it is nice to hear that we're doing a good job from time to time. My husband is great about encouraging me in my efforts in our home and with our children, but I still love hearing a compliment from a friend or better yet, from a stranger. Go out of your way to try to encourage another mom, whether it's a friend who seems to have it all together or a frazzled mom with a screaming toddler in the grocery store. (And, please, do us all a favor and DO NOT SAY "Cherish these moments…") :)
- Remember that just because a decision was right for your family doesn't mean it's right decision for every family. Whether you choose a natural home birth with a midwife or an epidural in a hospital, whether you choose to breast or bottle feed, whether you chose to stay home or work outside the home - undoubtedly, you have chosen that course because you believe it is the best choice for your family. That's why you chose as you did. Guess what? The same is true for your fellow moms. The Bible doesn't lay out for us exactly what to do in each and every situation we face as moms. Thus, we have to rely on the wisdom God has given us, the research we have available to us and sensitivity to how God is leading us. Let's learn to seek Him and trust Him as He leads us, but let's also learn to trust HIM to lead others in His will for them. Let's not worry about what other moms choose to do. Really, it's not our concern.
- Remember that God gave YOU to your family and your fellow moms to their families. God chose you for your family because you have what you need (and He will give you what you don't have) to be the mom they need. No one else is can be the mom for your family that you can be. The same is true for your fellow moms. God chose them to be the moms in their families for a reason. Let's not compare ourselves to them, whether casting ourselves in a positive or negative light.
- Remember that we need each other. As I'm trying to reach out to other moms and make new friends, I'm finding more and more that we all need the same thing…mom friends! I need people who can sit with me and not get totally grossed out when I talk about my child's diaper blowout in the car seat. I need people who will not judge me when I tell them that I told my kids to argue and scream and fight until they were done and then come to the table and eat. I need people who have had the sheer terror of a fever spike in the middle of the night and the embarrassment of a temper tantrum in the halls of the church and the joy of an unsolicited hug/kiss/"You're-my-best-friend"-comment. These people "get" me. No matter how many differences we have, we will have those things in common. I need those people because they will understand me like no others. How about you? Seek out other moms! Get involved in your church. Invite a friend out for lunch or coffee (even an after-bed-time-hubby-stays-home-with-the-sleeping-kids coffee date). Find a MOPS group or something similar in your area. Put yourself out there! It may make you feel awkward or vulnerable - it may be difficult to schedule it - you may have to hire a babysitter or stay up later than you like or miss out on your quiet nap time, but I promise it will be worth it. (I have another post on my heart about making mommy friends. Look for it in the near future (or 8 months later…sorry, I love you guys, but I love my family more!). :)
- Pray for yourself and your fellow moms! We need it, Gals! We simply cannot do without it.
So, ending the Mommy Wars is a difficult task, but it's not impossible. Are you up for the challenge? Of course you are. You're a MOM! (AKA a superhero!)
