These "Mommy Wars" as they've been dubbed, have been a burden on my heart for a while now. I've known I wanted to blog about them, but I wasn't exactly sure how to approach it. I didn't want to just do another post about how I hate the Mommy Wars (though, I do so hate them) because that just doesn't seem to get us anywhere. I also didn't want to just say, "Chin up! You're a great mom!." Though, this may be true, it seems to just put a bandaid on a gaping wound. So, where does that leave us? Well, what if we called a ceasefire?
According to Wikipedia, a ceasefire is "a temporary stoppage of war in which each side agrees with the other to suspend aggressive actions." I am going to propose that if moms can suspend 2 simple aggressive actions, we can take great strides in bringing the Mommy Wars to an end.
AGGRESSIVE ACTION 1: BRAGGING ABOUT MYSELF OR MY CHILDREN, THUS PUTTING MYSELF IN A POSITION IN WHICH OTHER MOMS CAN COMPARE THEMSELVES TO ME
I fully expect to step on a few toes here, but trust me when I say that I stepped all over mine first. If we truly want peace in the mommy realm, we MUST STOP BRAGGING! If you are like me, you're probably thinking, Bragging? I don't really do that. I'm good on this one. But wait right there…does this sound familiar...
"Baby boy enjoyed his homemade baby food this morning!" (posted on Facebook or Instagram under an adorable picture of your precious child covered in what is, apparently, homemade baby food) Would the picture be any less adorable if the caption read, "Baby boy enjoyed his breakfast this morning"? Nope! But, it'd be a lot less braggadocios and impart almost no feelings of inadequacy to those of us who fed our child plain ol baby food from a jar (or cocoa krispies).
Or how about this post, "My overachiever is sitting up on her own at 5 months! We're going to have our work cut out for us!" or "And…he's off! We, officially have a crawler!" Why do we post that on Facebook? Honestly, I am sure there are people out there who really do want to know every little milestone reached by your precious overachiever (or very normal baby, in most cases), and you probably have them all in your contacts under "favorites" or on your speed dial. Shoot them a picture text and let them celebrate with you. When other moms see those things on social media, many of them struggle with comparing their child to yours. Is my child behind? Is something wrong with her? Why isn't she sitting up/crawling, yet? Perhaps I should get her into some kind of therapy.
Or perhaps you've been guilty of this (I know I have), "Made homemade play dough today with the kids! They loved it!"
Or maybe, you've posted a picture of your delicious-looking, home-cooked dinner. Why? Why do we do that? I'm guilty of it, too. So I've asked myself that question, and the only answer that I can come up with is that I want to make myself look good. I want to impress my social media friends and followers. Do I really think they care? Is it helpful or encouraging to anyone? Probably not, unless it's a recipe we're sharing.
It's just what we do -- almost as if it doesn't count or isn't real unless we put it out there for the rest of the world to see. Whether it's because we need validation or what, I'm not sure, but guess what?!? All those wonderful things you do for your kids -- they matter IN YOUR HOME! They don't have to be posted on social media to be significant. The people you need to be trying to impress are your people. Take those pictures and store them in an album on your computer or order a photo book to keep for your children to look at when they get older and don't remember all the little things you did for them. (Perhaps, pull it out during one of those rebellious "You-don't-care-about-me" moments.) The brilliant, super-advanced, uber-mature little Einstein in your family -- he/she is the pride and joy of YOUR FAMILY! Send a group text to your mom, your mother-in-law, and your husband when a milestone is reached. They will be thrilled! They will rejoice with you. Write it in your child's baby book. Preserve your memories and cherish them. Just don't put them on social media.
Look, I've done it, and I get it! I know most of you are not trying to be malicious. Social media, though, has made it so easy and socially acceptable to brag. Before the times of social media, if you wanted to let other people know what wonderful thing you had done with your children or what amazing milestone your little Einstein reached, you had to call someone up on the phone or you had to wait until you saw someone in person and hope it came up in conversation unless you were brazen enough to just blurt it out. Not anymore, a few taps on a touch screen or a few clicks on a keyboard, and it is out there for everyone you know (and lots that you don't know) to see.
Disclaimer: I am not saying not to post pictures of your precious children. I LOVE seeing my friends' kids' smiling faces and reading about their silly antics. I want to see them, and I'm sure your friends do, too. Also, I am not saying you should never post about things you've done with your children. If there is something you think other mom's could benefit from, post it. Another great thing about social media is the connection it gives us to others. When I first became a stay-at-home mom, I was lonely and overwhelmed. Facebook was like my lifeline -- my only connection to the world outside my four walls. Still, I use Facebook as a way to connect. I post things that serve no purpose except to give someone else a glimpse into my day or my thoughts…just to connect. Here are some guidelines I have started to use before posting something to Facebook:
- Am I posting this to make myself look good? Yes = DON'T POST IT!
- Am I posting this to make my children look good? Yes = DON'T POST IT!
- Is there a good reason to post this (connection with others or some other good reason)? Yes = post it!
- Is it something that will encourage, inspire, or help others? Yes = post it!
- Is it something that will make other people smile? Yes = post it!
I realize this totally goes against our "me-first" mentality. It is completely unnatural to think of others before yourself; but it is biblical and, I believe, essential in the efforts to establish peace in the mommy world.
AGGRESSIVE ACTION 2: COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHER MOMS
If we'll all refrain from posting braggadocios posts on Facebook, it will be much easier to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. However, not all of our friends or those we follow on social media will do this. Also, if we really want to, we can compare ourselves to anyone, whether or not they are bragging. So, let's touch on the issue of comparing ourselves to others for a moment before we close. Comparing may not seem like an aggressive action. In and of itself, it's not; but it has the potential to put us into an aggressive state of mind.
I read this quote once, and I love it: "Don't compare someone else's highlight reel to your bloopers reel." Seriously, folks, most of what you see on social media is a highlight reel of people's lives. You don't see every little dirty detail of their lives. You only see the parts they want you to see. It's like looking in a window. If you were to come to my house right now, you would get a totally different view and a different opinion of my life based on what window you looked through. My living room is fairly clean at the moment. I'm kicked back in my recliner, typing this blog post on my laptop while my oldest son sits beside me watching his after-nap movie. If you were to judge me based on what you saw through my living room windows, you might deduce that my house is spotless and that I spend all my time on the computer while my child watches movies. What you wouldn't see is that my bedroom is a mess…bed unmade, clean laundry all over the bed waiting to be folded and put away, dirty laundry on the floor as well as a pile of clean sheets that haven't been folded. You also wouldn't be able to see that this is the one 30-minute show that my child gets to watch each day, and I'm busy trying to type out a blog post to encourage and uplift my fellow moms out there…a post that has been on my heart for a while but I haven't had a chance to write because I put God and my family first, leaving very little time to do anything else. If you were to look through my living room window right now, you would get a very distorted view of what my life is like. That's what each post on social media is…a window into people's lives. What you see is based on which curtains they've pulled back at what time of day. So, remember that the next time you are tempted to compare yourself to some other mom.
Also, remember that we all have strong convictions about the decisions we've made for our families. I feel strongly about breastfeeding. It is important to me, and I think it's the best option…THAT'S WHY I CHOSE IT. I also feel strongly about staying home with my children. I think it's the best option…THAT'S WHY I CHOSE IT! And, because you are a good mom, I'm going to just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you think your choices are the best options…that's why you chose them. Am I right? So, let's not compare our choices/decisions to each others. We'll touch more on this in our Mommy Wars Peace Treaty in a later post.
Finally, when you are tempted to compare yourself with others, remember that you have a unique combination of gifts, talents, and interests that are beneficial to your family. We all have strengths and weaknesses. There are lots of things that I do well, and LOTS of things that I don't do well. We are all different, and God so beautifully and carefully placed us in our families. I am not perfect, but I am God's perfect match for my family. God chose you to be the mom in your family because He knew that YOU were what your family needed.
If we can commit to stop these two aggressive behaviors, we will go a long way toward ending the Mommy Wars. Oh, yes, there are lot of other issues that need to be addressed. We'll touch on those in our Peace Treaty, to be posted in the coming days, but for now, let's start with the Ceasefire and enjoy the peace that ensues. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
