A Peace Treaty - Another Step Toward Stopping the Mommy Wars

So, back about 8 months ago, I published a blog post entitled "A Ceasefire - A Step Toward Stopping the Mommy Wars." It was very well-receieved and was my most shared and viewed post ever. Yay! I'm so glad to know that the issues God lays on my heart resonate with you as well. At the end of that post, I promised a sequel was coming. Well, I'm making good on my promise…just 8 short months later. (Yes, I'm averaging 1 post every 8 months…such is life as a stay at home mom with 3 kids ages 4 & under! What DO I do all day?!?) Anyway, back to the issue…an issue that has been heavy on my heart since I became a mom a little over 4 years ago - Mommy Wars.

(This is a picture of 2 of my sweet mommy friends and me on a "couples getaway" weekend a few months ago. I had THE BEST time, not just because I was having a fun weekend away with my hubby and a few friends but because these two moms were such a blessing and encouragement to me.)

Here's the deal, Moms. Raising children in today's world is a war in and of itself. We are fighting against so many outside forces that battle for our children's hearts and minds. We CAN. NOT. AFFORD to fight against each other or against ourselves. If we want to win the battle for our children, we have got to band together. We need each other! We cannot afford to ostracize ourselves or others for the sake of boosting our ego, making our opinions known or nursing our wounded pride. We've got to humble ourselves, close our mouths, muzzle that criticizing voice in our heads, and join together for the sake of each other and our families. If we want to be the best moms we can be for our families, we are going to need the friendship, encouragement and support of other moms. Sound like a dream? It's not. It is possible, but it is up to you and me. We've got to commit to take the necessary steps to end these wars once and for all.

First, the ceasefire. A ceasefire is a temporary stoppage of war in which waring parties agree to suspend aggressive actions. I truly believe that the main reason the Mommy Wars are so prevalent today is because of social media. "Back in the day," women didn't have such easily-accesed public forums in which to openly compare themselves to others via pictures, tweets and status updates. I think that the first step we can take to ending the Mommy Wars is to be more careful about what we post on social media as well as how we think about what we see on social media. I wrote more about this in my ceasefire post here.

While that is a great first step, if we are serious about ending these wars and banding together in the fight for our children, we must take further action. It is going to require a great deal of humility. C.S. Lewis said, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less." That's what we are going to have to do. In an act completely contrary to everything our society and culture teaches us, we are going to have to think of ourselves less and think of others more. Here are a few guidelines I'm trying to remember with my fellow moms:

1. Remember that people who aren't asking for advice rarely want it. There is no shortage of advice for moms out there. Books, blogs, Facebook, doctors, parents, grandparents, friends, neighbors, total strangers in the grocery store - they all have advice for moms. In my own experience, I've found that what we moms need more than advice is encouragement that we have what it takes to make the decisions that are best for our babies and our families. Let's refrain from giving advice unless it is specifically asked of us.
2. Remember when giving solicited advice (as in, someone actually asked for it) that the mom you are speaking to is the resident expert on her child and her family. No matter how long you've been a mom, you do not know that child or their particular family dynamics the way that mom does. Take that into consideration. I try to be very careful when offering advice to say, "This is what worked for our family. Feel free to take this advice, adapt it or ignore it! You know better than I do what will work for your family."
3. Remember that a pat on the back is always welcome. Being a mom is H-A-R-D! (I know, newsflash, huh?) Seriously, though. It's tough, and it is nice to hear that we're doing a good job from time to time. My husband is great about encouraging me in my efforts in our home and with our children, but I still love hearing a compliment from a friend or better yet, from a stranger. Go out of your way to try to encourage another mom, whether it's a friend who seems to have it all together or a frazzled mom with a screaming toddler in the grocery store. (And, please, do us all a favor and DO NOT SAY "Cherish these moments…") :)
4. Remember that just because a decision was right for your family doesn't mean it's right decision for every family. Whether you choose a natural home birth with a midwife or an epidural in a hospital, whether you choose to breast or bottle feed, whether you chose to stay home or work outside the home - undoubtedly, you have chosen that course because you believe it is the best choice for your family. That's why you chose as you did. Guess what? The same is true for your fellow moms. The Bible doesn't lay out for us exactly what to do in each and every situation we face as moms. Thus, we have to rely on the wisdom God has given us, the research we have available to us and sensitivity to how God is leading us. Let's learn to seek Him and trust Him as He leads us, but let's also learn to trust HIM to lead others in His will for them. Let's not worry about what other moms choose to do. Really, it's not our concern.
5. Remember that God gave YOU to your family and your fellow moms to their families. God chose you for your family because you have what you need (and He will give you what you don't have) to be the mom they need. No one else is can be the mom for your family that you can be. The same is true for your fellow moms. God chose them to be the moms in their families for a reason. Let's not compare ourselves to them, whether casting ourselves in a positive or negative light.
6. Remember that we need each other. As I'm trying to reach out to other moms and make new friends, I'm finding more and more that we all need the same thing…mom friends! I need people who can sit with me and not get totally grossed out when I talk about my child's diaper blowout in the car seat. I need people who will not judge me when I tell them that I told my kids to argue and scream and fight until they were done and then come to the table and eat. I need people who have had the sheer terror of a fever spike in the middle of the night and the embarrassment of a temper tantrum in the halls of the church and the joy of an unsolicited hug/kiss/"You're-my-best-friend"-comment. These people "get" me. No matter how many differences we have, we will have those things in common. I need those people because they will understand me like no others. How about you? Seek out other moms! Get involved in your church. Invite a friend out for lunch or coffee (even an after-bed-time-hubby-stays-home-with-the-sleeping-kids coffee date). Find a MOPS group or something similar in your area. Put yourself out there! It may make you feel awkward or vulnerable - it may be difficult to schedule it - you may have to hire a babysitter or stay up later than you like or miss out on your quiet nap time, but I promise it will be worth it. (I have another post on my heart about making mommy friends. Look for it in the near future (or 8 months later…sorry, I love you guys, but I love my family more!). :)
7. Pray for yourself and your fellow moms! We need it, Gals! We simply cannot do without it.

So, ending the Mommy Wars is a difficult task, but it's not impossible. Are you up for the challenge? Of course you are. You're a MOM! (AKA a superhero!)

A Ceasefire - A Step Toward Stopping the Mommy Wars

These "Mommy Wars" as they've been dubbed, have been a burden on my heart for a while now. I've known I wanted to blog about them, but I wasn't exactly sure how to approach it. I didn't want to just do another post about how I hate the Mommy Wars (though, I do so hate them) because that just doesn't seem to get us anywhere. I also didn't want to just say, "Chin up! You're a great mom!." Though, this may be true, it seems to just put a bandaid on a gaping wound. So, where does that leave us? Well, what if we called a ceasefire?

According to Wikipedia, a ceasefire is "a temporary stoppage of war in which each side agrees with the other to suspend aggressive actions." I am going to propose that if moms can suspend 2 simple aggressive actions, we can take great strides in bringing the Mommy Wars to an end.

AGGRESSIVE ACTION 1: BRAGGING ABOUT MYSELF OR MY CHILDREN, THUS PUTTING MYSELF IN A POSITION IN WHICH OTHER MOMS CAN COMPARE THEMSELVES TO ME

I fully expect to step on a few toes here, but trust me when I say that I stepped all over mine first. If we truly want peace in the mommy realm, we MUST STOP BRAGGING! If you are like me, you're probably thinking, Bragging? I don't really do that. I'm good on this one. But wait right there…does this sound familiar...

"Baby boy enjoyed his homemade baby food this morning!" (posted on Facebook or Instagram under an adorable picture of your precious child covered in what is, apparently, homemade baby food) Would the picture be any less adorable if the caption read, "Baby boy enjoyed his breakfast this morning"? Nope! But, it'd be a lot less braggadocios and impart almost no feelings of inadequacy to those of us who fed our child plain ol baby food from a jar (or cocoa krispies).

Or how about this post, "My overachiever is sitting up on her own at 5 months! We're going to have our work cut out for us!" or "And…he's off! We, officially have a crawler!" Why do we post that on Facebook? Honestly, I am sure there are people out there who really do want to know every little milestone reached by your precious overachiever (or very normal baby, in most cases), and you probably have them all in your contacts under "favorites" or on your speed dial. Shoot them a picture text and let them celebrate with you. When other moms see those things on social media, many of them struggle with comparing their child to yours. Is my child behind? Is something wrong with her? Why isn't she sitting up/crawling, yet? Perhaps I should get her into some kind of therapy.

Or perhaps you've been guilty of this (I know I have), "Made homemade play dough today with the kids! They loved it!"

Or maybe, you've posted a picture of your delicious-looking, home-cooked dinner. Why? Why do we do that? I'm guilty of it, too. So I've asked myself that question, and the only answer that I can come up with is that I want to make myself look good. I want to impress my social media friends and followers. Do I really think they care? Is it helpful or encouraging to anyone? Probably not, unless it's a recipe we're sharing.

It's just what we do -- almost as if it doesn't count or isn't real unless we put it out there for the rest of the world to see. Whether it's because we need validation or what, I'm not sure, but guess what?!? All those wonderful things you do for your kids -- they matter IN YOUR HOME! They don't have to be posted on social media to be significant. The people you need to be trying to impress are your people. Take those pictures and store them in an album on your computer or order a photo book to keep for your children to look at when they get older and don't remember all the little things you did for them. (Perhaps, pull it out during one of those rebellious "You-don't-care-about-me" moments.) The brilliant, super-advanced, uber-mature little Einstein in your family -- he/she is the pride and joy of YOUR FAMILY! Send a group text to your mom, your mother-in-law, and your husband when a milestone is reached. They will be thrilled! They will rejoice with you. Write it in your child's baby book. Preserve your memories and cherish them. Just don't put them on social media.

Look, I've done it, and I get it! I know most of you are not trying to be malicious. Social media, though, has made it so easy and socially acceptable to brag. Before the times of social media, if you wanted to let other people know what wonderful thing you had done with your children or what amazing milestone your little Einstein reached, you had to call someone up on the phone or you had to wait until you saw someone in person and hope it came up in conversation unless you were brazen enough to just blurt it out. Not anymore, a few taps on a touch screen or a few clicks on a keyboard, and it is out there for everyone you know (and lots that you don't know) to see.

Disclaimer: I am not saying not to post pictures of your precious children. I LOVE seeing my friends' kids' smiling faces and reading about their silly antics. I want to see them, and I'm sure your friends do, too. Also, I am not saying you should never post about things you've done with your children. If there is something you think other mom's could benefit from, post it. Another great thing about social media is the connection it gives us to others. When I first became a stay-at-home mom, I was lonely and overwhelmed. Facebook was like my lifeline -- my only connection to the world outside my four walls. Still, I use Facebook as a way to connect. I post things that serve no purpose except to give someone else a glimpse into my day or my thoughts…just to connect. Here are some guidelines I have started to use before posting something to Facebook:

• Am I posting this to make myself look good? Yes = DON'T POST IT!
• Am I posting this to make my children look good? Yes = DON'T POST IT!
• Is there a good reason to post this (connection with others or some other good reason)? Yes = post it!
• Is it something that will encourage, inspire, or help others? Yes = post it!
• Is it something that will make other people smile? Yes = post it!

I realize this totally goes against our "me-first" mentality. It is completely unnatural to think of others before yourself; but it is biblical and, I believe, essential in the efforts to establish peace in the mommy world.

AGGRESSIVE ACTION 2: COMPARING MYSELF TO OTHER MOMS

If we'll all refrain from posting braggadocios posts on Facebook, it will be much easier to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. However, not all of our friends or those we follow on social media will do this. Also, if we really want to, we can compare ourselves to anyone, whether or not they are bragging. So, let's touch on the issue of comparing ourselves to others for a moment before we close. Comparing may not seem like an aggressive action. In and of itself, it's not; but it has the potential to put us into an aggressive state of mind.

I read this quote once, and I love it: "Don't compare someone else's highlight reel to your bloopers reel." Seriously, folks, most of what you see on social media is a highlight reel of people's lives. You don't see every little dirty detail of their lives. You only see the parts they want you to see. It's like looking in a window. If you were to come to my house right now, you would get a totally different view and a different opinion of my life based on what window you looked through. My living room is fairly clean at the moment. I'm kicked back in my recliner, typing this blog post on my laptop while my oldest son sits beside me watching his after-nap movie. If you were to judge me based on what you saw through my living room windows, you might deduce that my house is spotless and that I spend all my time on the computer while my child watches movies. What you wouldn't see is that my bedroom is a mess…bed unmade, clean laundry all over the bed waiting to be folded and put away, dirty laundry on the floor as well as a pile of clean sheets that haven't been folded. You also wouldn't be able to see that this is the one 30-minute show that my child gets to watch each day, and I'm busy trying to type out a blog post to encourage and uplift my fellow moms out there…a post that has been on my heart for a while but I haven't had a chance to write because I put God and my family first, leaving very little time to do anything else. If you were to look through my living room window right now, you would get a very distorted view of what my life is like. That's what each post on social media is…a window into people's lives. What you see is based on which curtains they've pulled back at what time of day. So, remember that the next time you are tempted to compare yourself to some other mom.

Also, remember that we all have strong convictions about the decisions we've made for our families. I feel strongly about breastfeeding. It is important to me, and I think it's the best option…THAT'S WHY I CHOSE IT. I also feel strongly about staying home with my children. I think it's the best option…THAT'S WHY I CHOSE IT! And, because you are a good mom, I'm going to just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you think your choices are the best options…that's why you chose them. Am I right? So, let's not compare our choices/decisions to each others. We'll touch more on this in our Mommy Wars Peace Treaty in a later post.

Finally, when you are tempted to compare yourself with others, remember that you have a unique combination of gifts, talents, and interests that are beneficial to your family. We all have strengths and weaknesses. There are lots of things that I do well, and LOTS of things that I don't do well. We are all different, and God so beautifully and carefully placed us in our families. I am not perfect, but I am God's perfect match for my family. God chose you to be the mom in your family because He knew that YOU were what your family needed.

If we can commit to stop these two aggressive behaviors, we will go a long way toward ending the Mommy Wars. Oh, yes, there are lot of other issues that need to be addressed. We'll touch on those in our Peace Treaty, to be posted in the coming days, but for now, let's start with the Ceasefire and enjoy the peace that ensues. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Home Alone with Dad

Before I begin with my story, there are 2 things you must know:

1. My hubby is a great daddy! He really is so good with our children. He comes along side me and does anything that needs to be done to care for our children - whether it's kissing boo-boos, wiping noses, or playing hide and seek. He does it all and does it very well! Seriously, the only job I can think of that he's never done is breastfeeding, and I don't mind being the sole responsible party for that one. ;) So, as you read the story below, please keep in mind that I am in NO WAY criticizing my children's amazing daddy.
2. The second thing you need to know is that caring for and supervising 3 children (ages 3 and under) is tough! I do it everyday, and it is HARD for me! There are moments of absolute chaos…lots of them. There are times when your patience is literally hanging by a delicate thread. There are moments where all 3 are crying or all 3 need something at the same time that they cannot provide for themselves. It's a constant juggling act where you not only have to supervise 3 children at once but you also have to figure out the logistics of meeting the needs of all 3 in a timely fashion…you know, before one of them implodes.

Be sure to keep those things in mind as you read. Maybe you'll get a little laugh. Maybe you'll shake your head and breathe a sigh of relief that it wasn't you. Maybe you'll change your mind about having that third baby (just kidding! It's the best! Really! …If you're considering a third child, maybe you shouldn't read this post.) One thing's for sure; you'll have a greater appreciation for stay at home moms (and dads!). :)

 

So, let's just dive right in. I had a training I needed to attend, and I was going to be gone for at least a couple of hours. It was the first time Hubby was going to be alone with all three children for longer than just a few minutes. (I had made quick trips to the store, but those were usually less than an hour. Most of the time, when I have to be away for any length of time, I'll take at least one of the children with me.) I was going to be gone through supper time and bath time. I told him I'd be home just in time to help put them to bed. I left him in charge with a few suggestions to make the night run a little smoother and a lot of prayers.

 

I'm not really sure what happened while I was gone. I did send a text to check in as the meeting was coming to a close.

 

 

About 45 minutes after the first text, I pull into the driveway. Our mudroom/laundry room is completely dark; the usually open door that leads to the kitchen is closed. By the outside light, through the window in the exterior door, I can see two little eyes peering at me from the dark laundry room. I smile and wave as I walk to the door, wondering what in the world my three year old is doing closed in the dark laundry room by himself. Upon opening the door, I discover he's not alone. My 18 month old is in there with him. I greet them, and put my purse and things down to find that there is a puddle of what I hope is water all over the floor. I step over it to open the door into the kitchen. When I do, I pause. I step into my kitchen. Slowly, putting one foot cautiously in front of the other, I survey the scene. As my eyes slowly take in the sights displayed before them, my mind struggles to comprehend what could have possibly happened in the two and a half hours that I was gone. On the bar, separating the kitchen from the breakfast area, I see bags of chocolate chips, tube of icing, cans of sprinkles, bags of various nuts and other baking goods. On the floor from the breakfast room (and as I'll soon discover -- through the kitchen, through the living room, all the way to the hall way -- literally over halfway across our house), there are are THOUSANDS of tiny white sprinkles -- the round, ball-shaped ones that are nearly impossible to sweep or vacuum because they roll away so quickly and easily, shooting to the opposite side of the room whenever they receive the slightest encouragement. As I walk past the play room, I glance in to see that there are sorting beads (among other toys) scattered ALL over the floor. It looks as if a toy box threw up in there. I keep walking. (All of this is happening in a matter of about 60 seconds, though it seemed to be going in slow motion.) Mind you, my hubby and daughter are no where in sight. I walk past the pantry to see that there are chocolate chips covering half the shelves and the floor. I keep walking. In the living room, DVD cases are scattered all over the floor (in addition to the tiny white sprinkles that I now see have not been contained to just the kitchen). There are also some extra chairs in the living room that the boys must've brought from the playroom, making walking through the living room akin to maneuvering an obstacle course. As my brain attempts to concoct some sort of fathomable explanation for all this, my dear, precious hubby appears from the back of the house holding our crying daughter and looking more than a bit frazzled. His first words to me, "Oh good! It's just you! I thought one of them had escaped." (when he heard the alarm chime as I opened the door) Excuse me?!? 

So, there you have it. I'm still not sure what happened that night. I'm told that the baby cried pretty much the whole time and the boys were pretty much free to explore while Daddy attempted to quiet and calm her. Oh well! Everyone survived. Nothing was broken. The only things lost were the chocolate chips and sprinkles that had to be thrown away after they were swept (and vacuumed and swept again and picked up by hand). The house did, eventually, get put back in order.

 

Like I said, keeping 3 kids is hard work!

 

Follow up: I am happy to report that Daddy has been left alone with them several times since that incident and has done exceptionally well. I think the kids were just sending him through some sort of daddy-of-3 initiation ritual. :)